i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
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Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I support this random dude and all his protests
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
True.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?