If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
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Oh. My. God.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Cat.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?