In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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Air conditioning – not a fan
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
How do you like your Corgi?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My beach vacation Google searches
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all