Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
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*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
wait.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops