I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.