“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Muppet Screams
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
The Others (2001)
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”