[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*