this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Good point.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
President The Rock Obama
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.