Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
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If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Saturday
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Thursday Thought.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro