fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
look at me when i’m typing to you
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.