6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
boat question
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.