Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
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FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
calling in to work dehydrated
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.