Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.