Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
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I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
no such thing as a dumb question
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
liiiiiiiiike
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.