[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months