My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot