I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
You Might Also Like
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.