Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
That 👊
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room