Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
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the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.