My doctor says I only have one diabete.
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Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh