Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Need this in my life lol
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me