God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito