Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.