His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own