Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.