This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
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I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.