I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
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Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.