Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
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I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.