bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
selfie game
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it