[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”