I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
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Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
welp
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
It be like that sometimes 😆
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.