Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”