My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
You Might Also Like
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk