Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.