Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
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The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*