Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
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Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that