With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
How I’d get arrested…
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.