When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong