Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
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“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
there has never been a better use of this meme
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?