Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
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doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light