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[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.