Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
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Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
But I really needed water water water