my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
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Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!