For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
#merica
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.