H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
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1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.