Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
You Might Also Like
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Some people were born into their job.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!