Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.