Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?