*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
time for some seasonal decor
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I don’t make the rules sorry
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.