The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
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something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If only
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”